Among the most difficult tasks of parenting, few are as dreaded as asking a child to put down the device that has just occupied their attention for hours.
As a parent, you feel guilty for being so far. And prepare for a possible fight, if the child throws a toddler, middle, or teen tantrum. As they say, nobody wants this.
Although setting new limits on screen time may sound difficult, experts want you to know that a reset is possible. The new year, with its new beginnings and renewed hope, is the perfect time for such a move.
Don’t think of it as a war, says Catherine Price, co-author of the new book The Incredibles Generation: Your Guide to Fun and Freedom in a Screen-Infused World. Instead, remember that you’re working toward a shared goal that often gets distracted by social media and too much screen time.
“In fact, we should be on the same side, because what do we want for our children?” said Xabiso. “We want to have meaningful and happy lives, with strong relationships.”
With that in mind, follow these four strategies to help your child reclaim their time from digital screens:
1. Don’t talk about screen time rules
Parents who want to limit screen use often make the mistake of teaching their child about the subject. Price says it works best to start a family conversation about how screen time makes each person feel, whether it’s theirs or yours.
This component is important, and is often the missing ingredient in efforts to re-evaluate device use, because parents must consider their own habits.
It’s worse than you’d expect. Take, for example, a recent nationally representative Girl Scouts survey of 1,000 children ages 5 to 13 that found 52 percent found it difficult to get their parents’ attention because they were using their phones.
“What are you modeling right now for your kids?” said Price, who was not involved in the research. “Because you can’t expect your children to follow your instructions if you don’t follow those habits.”
“What are you modeling right now for your kids?”
You may rely on your memory, but that will not give you the full picture of what your children are going through. Instead, look at any screen time reports generated by your personal devices.
Pricing recommends a discount for time spent using certain apps. A road trip might give the impression that you spent eight hours glued to your phone while using a maps app. But a few hours of regular daily use on an app like TikTok or WhatsApp should be a wake-up call for parents about their habits, and what they might not see without objective data.
Price also suggests treating the discussion about home screen time rules like a mini science experiment where both kids and parents get to track what they’re seeing, then discuss it together. The point is to identify which aspects of a parent’s or child’s screen time lead to unpleasant experiences such as negative or hurt feelings and limited enjoyment.
Parents may also be surprised by their child’s interest or curiosity in spending less time online. The Amazing Generationwritten in collaboration with Dr. Jonathan Haidt, is a best-selling school companion book A Concerned Generation. It is presented with graphic novel elements, and includes regretful anecdotes from adults who wish their childhood and youth had not been dominated by social media and screen time.
Mashable Trend Report
Relatedly, a Girl Scouts survey similarly found that 46 percent of girls feel pressured to be online, even if they don’t enjoy it.
2. Set and stick to screen time rules
Dr. Jean Twenge, psychologist and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World: How Parents Can Stop Smartphones, Social Media, and Games from Taking Over Their Kids’ Livessays parents should create new guidelines for home screen time based on conversations with their children, or go back to enforcing existing rules. For help with this task, parents can consult the American Academy of Pediatrics’ customized resource to create a family media plan.
Twenge, a young mother of three who has done extensive research on screen time, recommends setting the same standards for every child in the home. This may include no smartphones and social media for under 16s, time limits on certain devices, and blocking certain apps or websites. Parents should follow expectations at home, such as free meal times.
Even if the plan goes well at first, there will be times when you feel like compromising, due to distractions, a crisis, or peer pressure. Twenge suggests that there should be a plan for these times.
An airplane ride, for example, may be an exception to your perceived rules, where a 10-year-old gets unlimited time on his favorite playground. It is important to be clear about these exceptions to avoid confusion and backlash.
Twenge also encourages parents to switch TV time to use a device at home if they really need to have a baby. You’ll know what they’re watching, compared to how they might spend time on a tablet or phone, and the content is likely to be of higher quality than watching short videos on social media.
Along with the rules you set, Twenge urges parents to use parental controls or even a third-party monitoring system. Even if your child has limited screen time, you still want to prevent them from accessing or engaging with harmful content.
Twenge says he’s come to the “reluctant conclusion” that device and app-specific parental controls are so difficult that using third-party software, such as Bark or Aura, may be necessary to ensure they stay safe and follow the rules you’ve set.
3. Train kids on the downsides of little screen time
Even if a child likes the idea of spending less time online, the real trade-off for them can include boredom and exclusion.
Sarah Keating, vice president of the Girl Scout Experience for the Girl Scouts, says parents play an important role in educating children about these concerns. First of all, he says that adults should be relieved of the idea that their children are bored.
To make this less painful for everyone, Keating recommends offering screen-free alternatives that help satisfy the tactile sensation of picking up a phone or tablet. For younger children, these can be blocks or markers. Older children may enjoy an activity book like Mad Libs or doing something with their hands, like crocheting.
Twenge suggests asking a middle or young person to make a to-do list instead of scrolling or texting. You can also discuss how screen time can be it’s very bad their boredom, a phenomenon that research suggests is real.
It also helps to remind teens of what they already have, Twenge says, especially if you give them a “dumb” phone or voice over Internet (VoIP) phone to communicate with friends.
Keating acknowledges that children use the technology and culture of the Internet to create categories that exclude others. She says it’s important to talk to your child about these changes and help them create a script that they can use in such a situation. Instead of feeling rejected, for example, a child may ask a friend out of curiosity about a meme that refers to them.
4. Encourage real-world freedom during screen time
Price likes to turn the worry about missing out on its head by pointing out what offline opportunities kids will miss out on if they spend too much time online.
In this regard, she hopes that parents who try to set new screen time norms for their children also provide real-world freedom that helps build self-confidence and independence.
“It’s not just about being limited,” Price said. “It’s really about making life fun and exciting.”
Teens and teens may find opportunities to go to the store or a friend’s house alone. While young children may need a different approach, parents can focus on making sure they are playing with friends or at the park instead of sitting at home in front of a screen.
To generate more ideas, parents can ask their children what they like to try or learn and find ways for them to do that independently.
The way Price thinks about it, reforming screen time isn’t just about getting kids offline, it’s about bringing “kids back to life.”
